Stretchy Pants and Fainting Spells

Warning- This is a long post, but well-worth the time it will take to read!!!

I have made reference to both my brother-in-law's leopard print stretchy pants, as well as my need to take breaks in order to avoid fainting spells when giving talks or presentations. Some of you may be familiar with these stories, but for those of you who aren't, I hope you enjoy!

I have married into a family that is Heber born and bred. Heber is a small town, that I love, but I would definitely say it has it's fair share of big trucks, demolition derbies, rodeos, and small diners where the waitresses have "regulars." One night, when Rode and I were still dating, we were over at his sister's house hanging out. His brother, Rex, came over to visit. I have to say that when I think of Heber and all of the above listed stereotypes of Heber, I think of Rex. Love the guy! This night was no different. He came rolling in, beer in hand, scruffy beard, wife beater, slippers, and LEOPARD PRINT STRETCHY PANTS. I bust out laughing and asked him where he had found such a stylish looking pair of pants. He informed me that they were his wife's, but that he found them to be very comfortable so he thought he would borrow them. HA! But it gets better. In the course of conversation, we asked what his plans were for the night. "Oh, I'm headed over to the bar here in a little bit for Karaoke night." Hmmm, okay, "Who are you going with?" we asked. "You're lookin' at him!" Once again, HA! I love it. Seriously, let's just hope he changed his pants before he headed out to the bar solo.

When I came home from my mission, I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting. Although I had ample opportunities as a missionary to speak in church, it made me particularly nervous to speak in front of my ward on this occasion. I felt like this was the chance to express to my ward everything I had learned over the last year and a half. On the mission when I spoke, it was easy. Everyday was filled with experiences to share about the gospel. I would usually just share one of these experiences, a scripture, and my testimony. For some reason, putting together this homecoming talk was a much greater challenge and by the time I was done with it, I had analogies and thoughts that just weren't as natural for me to share. Needless to say, it was a bad plan to deviate from the successful outline I had used on my mission.
The time came in sacrament meeting for me to speak. I stood up and slowly started into my talk. I started with my first analogy and about half way through it, my mind went blank. I'm not talking a moment of blankness, but an extended period where NOTHING was going through my mind, except for the thought that NOTHING was going through my mind and the fact that I was standing in front of a congregation of people waiting for me to say something! Mind you, it had been about 3 1/2 minutes since I first stood up to speak. I realized at this point I needed to do something to lighten things up. I decided I would just be honest with the crowd. I started to explain that I had given a lot of talks on my mission, none of which were difficult, except for one where I almost fainted. I explained that during that talk, I started to feel a little light headed and then everything started to sound like I was underwater. I then commented that it was a very similar feeling as I was experiencing at that very moment. I knew I didn't have much time before I went down and that in order to spare myself the embarassment of having a full-on fainting spell, I might as well just calmly tell the audience that I wasn't feeling well and that I needed to sit down for a moment. So... that's what I did. I sat down, motioned to the Bishop that he could take a few minutes while I got myself together, and then put my head down to get the blood flowing again.
The Bishop stood and told a story about a man who fainted when giving a talk and then wore a football helmet the next time he was asked to speak in sacrament meeting. I guess my situation could have been worse, right?
I then stood back up, fully realizing that anything that happened at this point needed to redeem my previous attempt at a talk. I scratched what I had prepared and decided that I would just share 3 stories from my mission. I enthusiastically told the first story and was feeling good. I started on the second, and then it happened... the BLANK mind, the lightheadedness, the underwater distortion of sound. I closed my eyes, and quietly said (into the microphone- clearly my judgment was impaired) "Just breathe!" I opened my eyes to see my mother in the back pew waving her hands in the air, motioning and mouthing for me to "SIT DOWN!" At this point, what could I do? I knew I had no other option but to cut my losses and call it a wrap. So... that's what I did. I apologized to the crowd, took two steps back, plopped myself into the closest chair, and threw my head between my legs. My mom rushed to the stand and waved Altoids under my nose. I think one of the Deacon's brought me a cup of water. The Bishop stood and said "Well, we'd like to thank Sister Kane for her thoughts. We're going to go ahead and close this meeting." "THANK YOU!" I thought.
My good friend, Shauna, drove me home following the meeting. I slept for a few good hours, woke up, and just started laughing. What else could I do?! If I couldn't find the humor in nearly fainting two times during my homecoming talk, I would have no sense of "funny". And instead of destroying my self-confidence, I opted for the healthier option of laughing at how hilarious the whole situation was and appreciate it for a good story!

So the moral of the stories... go to my brother-in-law if I am looking for some stylish stretchy pants and take breaks during talks and presentations. THE END!